SultryMissEm

A light introduction to some popular BDSM activities, deep dives into each of these will follow!

First things are understanding this could change your day to day relationship in addition to bedroom (or whatever room you play in) time. Being a Domme is not just ordering someone around and being a bitch, it is a serious responsibility that takes a lot of work to ensure needs are met and everyone is enjoying.

Important to know that all needs are met, this can be physiological, emotional, mental. Open communication is very important and regular check-ins are a good idea as you find your flow of things. Until the power exchange becomes a natural flow in your relationship it is smart to start with set scene times. So choose times you want to play, discuss what type of activities you would like to try or work on in that scene time. Focus on one activity at a time until it becomes natural and then begin to add others in a more complex means. After a scene it is important to debrief. Discuss what you each felt went well and what didn’t go well, how it could be better, if you want to do that activity again, etc. we will discuss after care in a bit, it is as important if not more than the safety focus during a scene.

Titles

Titles to call each other in scene are very useful-these can be traditional like Domme/Mistress/Goddess/Madam or sub/slave/pet/toy. Or could be complete alter ego names. It can depend on how much of the scene is acting a role and how much is your true reality. You will determine what feels natural to you and what is comfortable for both.

Safety

Safety is so important. This includes takeing care of the physical body along with respecting mental/emotional limits. Absolutely no assumptions can be made. This includes assumptions about how the sub is feeling or how you think they should feel or react to something that happens. There are different safety aspects to different activities. Safe words should always be used and available for both parties. You can choose your own safe words, or use traditional colours. Many people use Red, Yellow, and Green. Green is all good and keep going. Yellow is it’s ok but don’t go harder/longer/tighter (depending on the activity). Red is stop immediately no questions asked. If you wish to use your own words be sure both parties fully understand the context in which they will be used. The sub should be comfortable enough to be able to say if something is going too far and not push themselves because they think they should or it will please their Domme. The Domme should be checking in regularly during activities by simply asking “colour” and the sub respond honestly. Anytime a red is used it should be discussed in an after scene debrief so both parties understand what happened and how to avoid this situation in the future.

Aftercare

Aftercare is incredibly important, specifically for the sub. The sub usually experiences an intense endorphin rush while in scene which is followed by something often referred to as ‘sub drop’ once the scene is over. Depending on the intensity of the activities and how deeply in the zone the sub is will determine the level of drop. This is often equated to giving blood in the effect it has on the body. Similar treatment is recommended which includes lots of fluids, protein, natural sugars, quiet time, and rest. Immediately following a scene it is wise to have a blanket available to stay warm and to drink some natural fruit juice. This should be followed by a quiet restful time either alone or with the Domme depending what the sub desires (if the desire is alone the Domme should not go far, and should check in every 20 min for the next hour) This period can often be a wonderful intimate time of quiet, gentle touching. However long the sub needs, could be 5 min could be an hour, should be honoured as well as the Domme taking the time they need to come back to themselves. Large amounts of water should be consumed as well as some form of protein so your body can balance out from the endorphin rush. Once you are feeling steady, (don’t try to stand too fast and walk as you may fall over, DO NOT try to be tough) you should get some water and sit somewhere comfy and debrief. Discuss what you loved, what you didn’t, what you would change etc. take notes if need be.

Smothering/Facesitting/Trampling

Safety during smothering/facesitting/trampling is mainly around being able to breath and being aware of pressure points on the face as well as not breaking the nose. It is good to start with soft body parts like breasts or belly, get used to the feeling pushing against the face, getting a count for how long your sub can hold their breath comfortably and how far you can push past that comfort. Once you are comfy with the feeling and your sub understands that even if you push past their comfort you will not cause harm to them, you can move onto face sitting.

Straddling the face is a good start, put one knee on the side of their head, thigh against their ear, the other foot on the other side. This gives you the control to raise and lower while you both get used to the sensations and timing available for breathing. Once this is good, you can lower the other leg to being on both knees. My preference is to face the head so his nose is either tucked just in my pussy lips or above. Depending on your build a hanging belly can be used to assist in smothering by leaning forward so the entire face is covered. Facing your subs feet can also be an option so his nose is tucking into your ass crack. This depends on what the taste/smell fetishes are and what you are both comfortable with. You must be able to lift yourself slightly or pull back belly/pussy lips to allow the sub to breath when necessary. There is a device called a pussy snorkel, I have no personal experience with it. Obviously in this situation the sub cannot use their safety word nor can they hear you check in with them as your thighs are clamped on their ears. I find a quick double tap works well on whatever body part of yours the sub can reach. This is important to keep in mind if combining restraints with smothering play. If the sub cannot reach a body part of yours they should be given some sort of bell or something that makes noise when shook. A quick homemade version could be a water bottle with rice or popcorn kernels in it that they can shake to indicate a need of breath. It can be fun to push limits and wait a second or two after they indicate. You can go up and down as many times as you are both enjoying. Perhaps take a few min break for deep breaths and check ins. Try different positions, get creative.

RopePlay/Restraints

Safety focus during rope play and restaining is often on pulse points, ensuring you are not restraining tightly on joints, or major arteries. Regular checks on finger nail colour (blue or purple indicate a lack of blood flow and that restraints need to be loosened) as well as checking in with your sub on any tingling (fingers/toes falling asleep) as this also indicates improper blood flow. Two knotty boys is a great reference on different types of rope, safety, as well as designs. They have a website with downloads and physical books. They show basic right up to very complex and suspension play. Read the reviews on different size/type of rope as unfinished hemp vs cotton vs nylon will all feel and tie differently.

A good starting place for restraints is basic wrist and ankles as there are tons of sets available. My experience is velcro straps are useful as are full adjustable versus leather cuffs with buckles which are often a bit big or a bit small. A great set is one that will attach between mattress and boxspring as that offers good flexibility for positioning and activities as straps can slide freely.

Body worship/pampering

This is a wonderful and simple activity. it is great for becoming comfortable with the power exchange in addition to a way for the sub to show his dedication to his Mistress/Goddess/Madam/whatever title you decide on. This can include anything from a dedicated massage, with focus on your relaxation as well as your sub exploring your body to learn your likes, hidden pleasure zones, etc. Be sure to communicate either with words or moans/sighs/etc to indicate this is good, you want more of this, or speaking up when something doesn’t feel good, be it too much pressure or not a pleasure zone. Basic massage classes are often offered at local colleges or a book on pressure points for feet are easily found. Perhaps have him focus on one general area or part to begin and master, then explore out. This can be incredibly intimate and a great low key connection point. There are many different massage oils available. They can come in liquids or creams or solids that warm up with body temperature. Light scents that please both people are important as well as knowing it the product is safely edible. Stick with natural products, no added sugar as this can irritate the skin, and cause yeast infections if used internally. Simple and quality would be coconut oil as is great for the skin, smells and tastes great and can have scented oil added if desired.

Other types of pampering could include manicure, pedicure, shaving or trimming body hair on each other (very intimate), other body worship could be extended oral all over the body or on a specific part.