Transactional Relationships Blog Post
Transactional Relationships Blog Post
Had a client come into the cam space and say “OMG Goddess I want to marry you”
My response was “that’s not an option, what else are you looking for today?”
He got offended and left.
Got me thinking about the guys who frequently tell me how they want to date me, marry me, live with me, serve me 24/7, are jealous of the men in my life who get to “have” me.
Sex workers* offer an amazing experience, an escape from reality where your desires are priority and your pleasure is our focus. The transaction part of our interaction is key in that working. I have met and spoken with a LOT of sex workers in my eight plus years in the industry and not a single one is 100% their “real self” while working.
There are two main ways sex workers deal with a work identity/personal identity mix up. Both are totally valid and depend on the person, how much they work, the type of work they do, their need for safety/discretion, their experiences with people using what they have shared, their personality type, etc. Whichever works is the right choice for them, and clients need to respect who/what they have access to.
First is that they have created a work persona. This can be like wearing a mask or playing a role in a play and acting. They may create an entire backstory, they may make up a whole life to refer to when asked for details. This could be a different location, family makeup, life experiences, etc. It could be a different personality-super calm/introverted in their real life but outspoken/playful/Dominant while in “work mode”. They put the work mask on while working and take it off when done. I’ve always been a touch jealous of people who work this way and are able to make it a success, since it could be fun, but it also seems exhausting to me to put so much energy into that every day (depending on how much you work)
The other way, the way I do things, is that my work persona is about 96% the same as who I am in my day to day life. I am sarcastic, I am in charge, I am demanding, I am sexy as hell, I am my wonderful self. This doesn’t mean that I share every detail of my personal life with clients, it just means my personality is quite similar to my work self. That 4% that doesn’t line up is the smiling while explaining things to stupid people, it’s finding the balance of what I’ll do for pay and what I enjoy doing for pay, etc.
So when you say you want to marry me, as work me, that’s not who you would marry. I don’t live in work mode-even though work mode is so close to the real me. I don’t always wear lingerie, or have a full face of makeup, and hair done. I don’t always sit and smile coyly at the camera/you, I am not always focused on the fantasy you have come to me to create. Those that have been lucky enough to be my romantic partners over the years can attest that it’s amazing to be with me, but it’s not the same as interacting with a fantasy.
As a Dominatrix it is common for me to get clients who want to “serve me”, clean my house, lick my pussy, rub my feet, etc. When I started sex work this sounded wonderful to me. Someone could come to my house, clean, rub my feet, whatever I wanted them to do and they would do it because they simply wanted to serve. Oh naive little me! I quickly learned boys that do this often fall into 2 categories, they want a safe place to dress femme, or they want to do a bad job to get humiliation and punishment. Neither of them tell you this up front, live and learn and stop accepting boys who want to “serve”. They actually just want a space and time to play out their fantasies and never have the intention of actually serving me. This is a terrible bait and switch and why I don’t let men “serve me” for free. Whether I am sitting on the couch watching you clean, or yelling at you for being a failure, etc, etc, that’s still my time being used and therefore requires a transactional aspect to our encounter.
If you find yourself thinking a lot about a favourite sex worker, wondering what it would be like to have a traditional relationship instead of a transactional one, I want you think about if you could handle the reality? Do you really want who they are in reality or do you imagine yourself with their work identity in a traditional relationship? Do you want someone who is focused on the pleasure of other men all day and then potentially done with sex and sexual interactions when they are done work, leaving nothing for you? Do you want the person who takes off the work mask and lives as their human self, not the fantasy dreamself?
The transaction aspect keeps the line clear about what your relationship is and what the boundaries are. Even if friendship, or feelings are developed it helps keep the boundaries crisp. When you have a relationship of any kind with a favourite sex worker, keep in mind the boundaries that are established and if you try to change them without conversation it probably isn’t going to go the way you want it to. Respecting those boundaries are absolutely necessary to ensure that both/all parties involved are feeling needed, respected, heard, etc.
A very important aspect to take away from this is that having a transactional aspect to a relationship does not in any way negate how real the relationship is. In many ways it adds to the longevity of a relationship when both parties feel respected and taken care of.
*Obviously there are a LOT of types of sex work and this isn’t the case for all.